Bent

Must have been sometime in college, maybe even earlier.
When did I turn from a carefree soul into a twisted, stinking, paranoid freak?
A paranoia that drove me to walk four kilometers home everyday just to avoid people.
That made me justify that biking to school was fun.
That made me try out carbon-activated filters to avoid such eventualities.
That made me take an operation just to see if the gallstone was the reason.
That made me stop enjoying the company of friends coz I feel so filthy.

Is there a place where I can trade in this body?
Or maybe this brain?
It ain't all in my head if you're suggesting that it is.
Does filth in one's thoughts materialize itself?
Maybe.
Where does air-headedness go? Down there probably.
So that's why I'm so flatulent.
Pretending to be something when I can't even do things right.
Fuck it, where is this leading?
Dunno.

I once read in a book entitled "Big book of Friendship" or something similar:
"A person will be the last one to know of how he smells. A friend will be one who tells that person that he does."

Does that mean I possibly have friends? Don't be so wishful, fool.

I must really stop and reflect on what the hell I'm doing with my life!

"the results are in amigo, what's left to ponder?"

Fuck it, I'm already 26 and I feel as stupid as ever. 10 years ago, I felt I can do anything. Now I see shackles instead of doors.

Ha! Laugh all you want. Pity me all you wish. I will get out of is personal rut and laugh at it with whole-hearted gusto. Avoid what I have become! Live your life to its fullest. Crush your fears and enjoy the life He has given. Don't be afraid to be hated, despised or loathed; you CAN NOT please everybody. I'm telling myself this as well, for no one will probably say it. I'm writing this down because I'll definitely forget it tomorrow, given my memory.